I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
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*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!