Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
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It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*