[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
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Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Watermelon Boss!
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Cha-ching is my safe word
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me