I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
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People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
🍛
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper