The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
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Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Stop sending me this shit.
Body by cheese-puffs.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.