Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
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*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Worth a try
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
*limbos under the caution tape
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.