Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
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Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
I can fix him.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
#merica
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
new year update: losing everything but weight
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW