Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
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Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”