“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
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I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Spring of Deception
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.