I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
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Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another