The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
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“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
never deleting this app.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer