I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
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What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.