Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
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The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes