30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
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Woke up against my better judgment again
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees