[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
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Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
That de-escalated quickly
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Rooting for the overdog
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job