They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
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My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall