Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
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Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Many hands make light work
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address