Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
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[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
I’M CRYINGGG
If you love someone, let them sleep.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
No way!
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike