Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
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Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Donkey Kong sommelier
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance