If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
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Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”