Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
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Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole