People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
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Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Cardio Made Easy
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.