Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
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My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Vodka burrito was a success