The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
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Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.