me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
You Might Also Like
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.