Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
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Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job