What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
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Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
#parenting
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”