I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
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[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.