If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
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Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
remember
only for emergencies
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
is this how new cars are made??
sistine chapel
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.