Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
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COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
me before I type out affect or effect
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.