me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
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anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
The cashier just checked me out.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Hey I worked for it too!
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.