[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
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Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
finally