Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
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[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.