I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank
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A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”