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CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.