The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
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WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
My dog learned how to text
The game has officially changed 😎
A dead goose is called a ghoost
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.