stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
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‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
I just tested negative for patience.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
mom gave me mine for free
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.