I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
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I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Cheers Twitter.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.