[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
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2 years later
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Bootstraps
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
A French press is when you hug naked
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf