Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
You Might Also Like
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.