Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
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When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Oh. My. God.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn