Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
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My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*