her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
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interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*