My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
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Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.