surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
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Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
This line from Airplane.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap