What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
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The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
CRYING
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no