I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
You Might Also Like
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
buying dead houseplants to save time
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.