canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
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ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?