why count sheep when I can count my troubles
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you’d think eating your young was more filling.
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Just got to our Airbnb!
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
*looks at you in batman voice*
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
When you let grandma cat sit
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.