Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
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[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
This makes total sense…